RENEWING VOWS - PART 1

There were alot of divorces on my dad's side of the family. My (soon to be) husband had been divorced. All that history of divorce in our backgrounds scared me. So in an effort to break this chain of divorce we would bring into our marriage, we planned on renewing our vows every 5 years.

Year 5. I was working full time and putting myself through college. Our 5th anniversary fell on a Saturday. I had a morning class and an afternoon class. We met our pastor at church during lunch, just the three of us before God, as he lead us through vows of commitment and promise. I cried the whole time. Because, with some life behind us, the words we were promising to each other, the traditional marriage vows, took on a much weightier meaning than they had on our wedding day. It felt very sacred.

Year 10. Killing two birds with one stone, our vow renewal was also the cover for a surprise party for our pastor (or was it his wife? I can't remember which now.) Several couples gathered together at church and, once again, we recommited ourselves before God and friends "to love, honor and obey...as long as we both shall live." It was simple and beautiful and fun. It wouldn't be long after that we learned that God had plans for us that we had given up hoping for...we were going to become parents!

Year 15. My husband, my daughter and I gathered in Pastor Rob's office. Pastor Rob, like a brother to me and an uncle to my daughter, knew what was left unspoken. He knew the struggles. We repeated those vows while our little girl played at our feet, unaware that her parents were locked in battle, in turmoil. I silently prayed, "Oh My Lord. Help me get through this without breaking down. Help me to live out these vows."

Year 20. Me: "Our 20th anniversary is coming up. Do you want to renew our vows?" Him: "I don't care. It's up to you." We didn't. And divorced after 23 years, we never made it to Year 25.

SAME KIND OF DIFFERENT AS ME

I read this book last week. Started it one day and finished it the next. It isn't a long read, however, it will keep you thinking long after you have turned the last page.

Have you ever wondered if one man could make a difference in the life of another? The authors answer this question as they lay out their lives and relationship in a very honest, intimate and vulnerable way.

As they changed each others lives, they will now change their readers lives. Only the hardest and coldest of hearts can read this and not be touched.

LOST DOG

I love this photo of our dog. My daughter took it a couple of years ago and he looks like he is smiling. We love our dog. He is devoted to us.

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He has aged so much since this photo. His legs frequently go out and he looks like Bambi on ice, with legs sprawled completely out. Sometimes he can get up by himself, but most times, we have to lift up his hindquarters and then hold him until he steadies. I have to cook a special concoction for his meals-it is the only thing his stomach can handle, and even then there are times....
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When we let him out, sometimes he will fall down the steps, and sometimes he falls up the
steps, and sometimes he just sits down and gives us the "no way this is gonna happen today" look. His hearing is going, so if he is not looking at us, we have to clap our hands to get his attention so he will walk towards the door. Sometimes he stands in the backyard and just looks confused, like he is not sure what he is supposed to be doing.

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Over a week ago now, I had to let him out in the middle of the night. I went to check on him to see if he was ready to come in. I couldn't see him. I looked out the kitchen window. No dog. I woke Rachel up. "I can't find the dog!" We put on coats and boots, grabbed a flashlight, and headed out back. After several minutes, we saw him in the back corner of the yard. Just standing. Not sure where he was. We clapped and he was so happy, like a lost dog found. Except that our claps echoed off the neighbors houses and garages so he couldn't find us. We had to walk out to him and lead him home.

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We have had several of these late night episodes. Especially now that the snow has melted. His black coat blends in during the dark of night and we can't see him. One, two, three in the morning, there we are with flashlights, looking for our lost boy.
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Last summer, when we went to Guatemala, he was so broken hearted that he stopped eating. We came home and had to hold water in our hands that first night to get him to drink a few drops. I didn't think he would live through the night, he was so weak. So weak that he could only wag his tail once when we walked in the door. My neighbor asked us what we are feeding him, because he bounced back then, and then several times since. I tell her, "Love!"
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Nothing is more powerful or healing than love!

WHERE I AM

In Mark Chapter 4, Jesus is at this lake and begins to teach. The crowd grew so big, that Jesus got into a boat so that the people could sit on the shore and everyone would be able to hear. He told them stories, illustrating the mysteries and truths of God's Kingdom.
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Now you should know that in the days preceding this, Jesus had healed people and touched lives in such a way that you could be pretty certain he wasn't your "average Joe".
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Anyhow, at the end of the day, Jesus says to the guys on the boat with him, "Hey, pull up anchor and let's go over to the other side of the lake." So the guys on his boat, and a few other boats that were with them, set out to do that very thing.
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On the way, a storm blows in. Not just any storm, but a "furious storm" of hurricane proportions. And the waves are crashing against the boat and filling the boat with water. I have been sailing on Lake Erie in gale force winds...well, not actually on the Lake, but in a channel off the Lake, and let me tell you....wow, that was some ride. It was pretty intense despite the shelter of the channel. Can you imagine how things must have been for the boat Jesus was in? Wind and waves and water. The crew must have been scurrying, orders being called out, water being bailed...fear and panic and chaos.
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And where was Jesus during all this? Asleep on a leather cushion in the back of the boat. Oh man, imagine how those guys must have felt. Jesus really?! This was YOUR idea to head for the other shore, now we are all going to die and you are what? Sleeping? The words they said to him when they woke him up said it all. "Master, don't you care that we're perishing?" I can hear the accusation echoing over and over. "Don't you CARE?"
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Jesus gets up and reprimands the sea. Did you get that? He REPRIMANDS the sea much like one might reprimand and impudent child. Jesus tells the sea to hush and settle down. AND IT DOES! The sea immediately settles down, exhausted and perfectly calm.
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Ok, I don't know what that crew was expecting when they woke Jesus up, but it sure wasn't that. Their eyes must have been like saucers, and it is recorded that they were totally in awe but also filled with fear. I can see them, voices lowered, asking each other, "Holy cow, who IS this guy? Did this just really happen?" Oh, how about the poor guy that woke Jesus up? In my imagination, he was trying to remember if he might have shook Jesus just a little too hard. "Uh, Jesus, about that bruise I gave you when I woke you up. I'm really sorry man. Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee? Another cushion to rest on? Sorry I flung the other one overboard...I wasn't really mad I was just a bit scared there...not really myself."
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Remember what they had all seen and experienced in the days before this one? Jesus said to them, "Why are you afraid of me now and why didn't you trust me?"
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For the past weeks, I have been bailing water from my boat. My mom is getting worse, bills are piling up, I could lose my house, I am not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, my options are few, even the dog is having health problems....bailing, bailing, bailing, bailing. I am being swallowed up in fear and panic and chaos.
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And there it is. Once again, that accusation from long ago. "You are Sovereign. You have chosen this rocky path for my life. Why aren't You rescuing me? Don't You care? Don't You CARE?"
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Jesus reminds me of the many ways He has proven Himself and His love to me. Events, people, His Spirit, His Word, His life, His death.....healing, rescue, healing, rescue...again and again.
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"Daughter, why the fear? Why aren't you trusting me?"
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"I don't know, Jesus. I don't know."
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"Hush. Let there be peace."
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And there is. And it is immediate.
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CYBER FRIENDS

I have had people tell me they don't believe that cyber friendships are really real. That the internet is one more way for us to "disconnect" from real people.
I have found just the opposite to be true. When I started to blog, one of my friends told me there was a blog I had to read. That I would really connect to the writer. I did. Through her blog, I have connected to some of her friends and family. I have met people I would not have met otherwise. A young woman from another country that I now call "dear niece". The brilliant student and the inventor/writer who make me think outside of the box. The poet. The artist. The mom I hardly knew and the mom I knew B.B. (before babies). Some of my cyber friends I have never met and may never have the chance to meet. Some I have met but don't see often.
This I know, I have come to care about my cyber friends deeply. I laugh with you. I worry about you when you don't show up for awhile. I pray when you or someone you love is sick, or laid off, or marching off to war, or hurting, or scared. I learn from your wisdom. I rejoice in your victories and joys.
Recently, God brought another new cyber friend into my life. I connected with my friend. She has a heart that loves others and just wants to serve. She is the kind of person who, as Oswald Chambers puts it, "produces a longing after God in other lives..." I began to care about her and her family. She began to care for me and my daughter. Besides blogging, we began to email. She has become a blessing in my life and I am thankful for our growing friendship.
If cyber friendships are not real, then I ask you...why did my heart break for my friend when I received her email saying that her beloved husband died? We both know that he is not broken, or weeping...but is rejoicing in the presence of his Savior. I have been praying for days for my friend. That her heart would be comforted. That she would be surrounded by people who love her and her children. That there would be shoulders to hold her up and shoulders to cry on. That there would be those to share memories with, faith with.
Those of you who call me friend, whether you know me in person or not, would you please join me in praying for my new friend and her children? I know I can count each of you!
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ANOTHER DARN GOOD READ

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I learned about this blog from my friend, Mike. This post on prayer was very poignant.

THE DATING GAME

I feel like I am a contestant on The Dating Game. Not in the way you probably think. We are currently without a home church. And we have been visiting. And visiting. With no clear direction as to where to settle. And I am tired of playing the field. I want to settle down.
I knew God was directing me when we became part of a church plant a couple years back. I remember exactly what I was doing and thinking when God said, "Go."
Now, I feel like I am taking a stab in the dark. Like I am guessing. And that's why I feel like a contestant on the The Dating Game. I feel like I am asking all these questions, but "don't know" more than I "do know" about the places we have visited. I feel the need to pick, to choose and then to live with my decision, even though there could be something better. But maybe not. Maybe whatever I pick is the best from God's viewpoint. But what to pick? Have I missed something? Somewhere I haven't been yet?
What I really want is an angel to appear, or a pillar of smoke or fire to follow...something that lets me know exactly where God wants my daughter and I to plug in. I keep asking Him, but I get nothing. Yet, I do believe He wants us to plug in. I think it is something my daughter really needs right now.
We have lots of friends. We know how to follow God. We are very welcome at places we have been and places we have visited. So it's not about belonging, or being part of the Body of Christ, or finding purpose, or loving His church.
And yet it is.
I guess we just want a place we can call our own.
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Image taken from here.

SOMETHING TO PONDER

I came across this post on one of my favorite blogs. This gave me some things to think about.

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"Living Soli Deo Gloria Under Obama"

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MY KIND OF SEASON

I love Autumn. I love the "Indian Summer" days early in the season that are sandwiched between cooler weather. I love the way that one tree will burst forth with color against a sea of green, surprising you and calling to her sisters, "Autumn has come!" And the slow following of those sisters, one by one, turning in their green for yellow, red, brown, and orange vestments.
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I love the smell in the air, the crispness, the earthiness. I love the sound of crackling leaves. I love the swirl of the wind accompanied by dancing leaves that later turn to gusts and gales, sweeping it's dancers into a frenzy of motion.
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I love the warmth of the sun against the briskness of atmosphere. I love the rain, sometimes gentle, sometimes fierce and biting. I love the first frosts that paint the landscape with magic.
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I love Autumn. I am so glad God thought of it!
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Image taken from here.

SOOO TIRED!

I hardly got any sleep last night. The sound of my mom choking woke me up. I rushed to her room and said, "Mom, were you choking or coughing? Are you OK?" "Coffee? I don't have any coffee."
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A couple of hours later, this loud buzzing noise took me to my mom's room again. I couldn't figure it out, but it stopped when I got there. I have no clue what it was. But she was OK.
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A couple of hours after that, my mom screamed, loudly. I ran to her room. "What's wrong?" "My cat!" "What happened? Did your cat bite you?" "No, I rolled over on my cat." Now, my mom is very immobile once she is in bed. Two people have difficulty rolling her onto her side, so there is no way she could have rolled over onto her cat. She was probably dreaming. "Go back to sleep, Mom. Your cat is OK."
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A bit later....whistling. She whistles for her cat when she is in bed. Over and over. And over. And over. I got up and went to her room. "Mom, no whistling today. We need to get some sleep and have to be up in an hour. Your cat is OK. She is right under your bed."
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We have a caregiver come in twice a week to give her a shower. We have been discussing bed baths because some days my mom is pretty shaky. She fell two weeks ago transferring while getting a shower. I listened from my room as I got ready for work. The caregiver had to repeat instructions constantly while my mom transferred from the wheelchair to the shower chair. "Ahh," I thought. "This isn't a good sign."
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My mom has been more confused and forgetful. A few weeks ago, she asked me what 30 plus 20 was because she couldn't remember. When we got home from our recent weekend trip, she asked if we were moving back in. Later she asked if Rachel was my daughter. I told her she was. "So, then I am her grandmother?" "Yes." "Does she know I am?" "Yes."
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In some ways, this development makes it easier to care for my mom. I think because I have very few expectations. My mom's health has been declining for over 20 years. Our responsibility for her care has increased with each year. Before that, my parents' divorce zapped alot of her parenting energy. In many ways, our roles were reversed long before her health problems. And somewhere in the mix, I was just a kid who wanted my mom to be my mom. And she wasn't. It wasn't all her fault. In her sudden vault into single motherhood, I am sure she did her best, but in her efforts to be a provider, we lost our mom and our friend. I think...no, if I am to be honest...I did resent that loss and the responsibilities for her care. So, in a strange way, knowing that she "can't" be the mom I wanted or needed, has made my load lighter.
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My reverie was interruped by the care giver. "Good job! You did awesome! You trusted me and look how easy things went. You got right up off that shower chair. You really made my day!"
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While my daughter and I are dragging today after a nearly sleepless night, my mom had a good day with her shower. I smiled. "Thanks, Lord," I whispered, kissed my daughter good-bye and went to work.

MY MIRACLES

Yesterday, as I was leaving for work, my daughter asked me to pray for her drive to and from work. She just had a nervous feeling. Of course I prayed. She called me when she got to work and we both went on about our day. Later that afternoon, I was on my way back to the office from a meeting over an hour away. I was turning onto the street my office is on when my cell phone went off. It was my daughter. Her brakes had failed but she was ok. I dropped my co-worker off and raced to meet up with her on the side street she had managed to pull off on.

Much of her drive involves a 50 mph highway. There is a stretch of expressway that she takes and then has a quick traffic light as soon as she exits. When we stopped to think about what she could have faced if the brakes had failed along her route, we were both a bit shaken.

I was able to drive her car home, she wasn't too far. She followed behind in mine. Her Uncle Darryl came to her rescue and fixed her car for her. Turns out one of the brake lines had worn against her shocks, suddenly draining the brake fluid.

Thank You, Lord, for my daughter's safety. Thank You for a brother that is always there when we need him. Thank You that the 3rd place I tried, had the parts we needed to repair her car. Thank You that my work day was suddenly changed, bringing me close to home when I was needed. Thank You for Your care and presence when we know we are in need, and for those times we don't even have a clue. Thank You for being the Rock that I run to, the Shelter that I hide in.

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Hear my cry, O God,listen to my prayer;

from the end of the earth I call to you

when my heart is faint.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,

for you have been my refuge,a strong tower against the enemy.

Let me dwell in your tent forever!

Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah

Psalm 61:1-4

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Image taken from here.

FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Sunday I was going through mail and I came across two letters that I had set aside to make a decision on. The letters were identical, except one was addressed to me and one addressed to my ex-husband. They were from an insurance company. I had opened mine and it was a letter saying they had refund money on a policy from 2003 and if I didn't respond, that money would go into the governments "unclaimed money" account or wherever it is they keep it.

I had put the letters aside because I needed time to think. The last time I had been insured by that company was when I was married. At some point, I learned that my ex had canceled the insurance on my vehicle without me knowledge, even though he was supposed to be to paying all bills. I don't remember the details, I just remember that this particular company refused to insure me despite my clean driving record, and refused to given me any additional information because the policy had been originally taken out by my ex. I was still legally his wife, but that didn't matter. I also remember scrambling to find insurance on a Saturday. I don't remember how many calls I made, but I finally found an office that was open. I am still with that insurer, out of loyalty, because he kept his office open on Saturday and was there in my moment of crisis.

My ex was just like that. I could tell you story after story. He is still like that. I ask him for very little help with my daughter because he usually says no. The latest was regarding her health insurance. I emailed him and asked him to keep her policy current until I could make other arrangements. I said that I would reimburse him for it. He responded by saying that she (our daughter) was young and healthy and there were more important things like school, and vehicle repairs to spend money on. He added that if she was injured in a car accident, her car insurance would cover any medical bills. And, if I insisted on getting her health insurance, I could feel free to contact the carrier directly, their information was on her card. And I am not making this up. This is almost verbatim.

Enough about him, back to me. I needed to think about those two letters because I figured I had several options. 1)I could forward his letter to him so he could claim the money. 2) I could claim the money myself and he would never be the wiser. 3) I could tear up my letter and throw his away, or better yet, return it to the sender. We have been divorced for over 5 years and I am certainly not responsible for him getting this letter. In fact, I don't believe he deserves that money. And if I claimed it, I could give that money to my daughter or apply it toward her dental or eye appointment...or any other number of things that she needs...not wants...but needs. You can probably imagine where my thought process went.

So there I was on Sunday night. I decided to make a decision. I decided that I would claim the money and somehow use it for my daughter. I filled out my name on the form. I signed it. Right below my signature I had to fill in another blank indicating why I had the right to this money. Was I the owner? The spouse? At first, I decided to leave that blank. After all, there was a date four months after my divorce was final. I didn't know what that date indicated...the date they stopped trying to refund the money? The date the policy was cancelled? I couldn't say owner because I didn't know which vehicle this policy/refund was for...his or mine. I couldn't say spouse because I would have been divorced by that month. I contemplated saying ex-spouse but then I figured I wouldn't get the refund for sure.

I finally decided that I would fill that blank in as "Owner". I wrote the words, sealed the enveloped and put it in a pile of other letters and bills to be mailed, satisfied that I would be getting some unexpected money in a few weeks.

And then I thought of that date...four months after my marriage was decreed invalid and I was no longer legally entitled to anything owned by my ex-husband. I picked up my envelope, crying out of anger and frustration and resentment and need and a myriad of other emotions. I ripped it in half...again and again...until there were only small shreds of paper left.

And I picked up his envelope...the one that I knew would give him an unexpected blessing and I wrote a note on the back explaining that I had received the exact same letter but that I thought this belonged to him. His name was the only salutation. The initial of my first name was the only closing regard. And I folded his envelope and put it into another. Writing his address clearly and placing two stamps on it to make sure there would be no insufficient postage problems. And I placed it in the pile of letters and bills that I would drop at the post office the next morning.

And I did this for one reason. Not because my ex is most likely entitled to this money and I am not. Not because I love my ex, because I do not. Not because I am a good, honest person, although I try to be. Not because of karma. Not because I expect to be rewarded for doing the right thing. Not because I am a Christian. Not because I thought it might be sin. Not because I am afraid God wouldn't forgive me. Not because I am strong enough to resist temptation, I often fail.

I almost took a bite of that forbidden fruit. I could taste it. I wanted it. The only reason I didn't was because I love God...I really do love Him. I love Him more than I want that money. More than I want revenge or justice. And when I thought of Him, my hand reached out and put the fruit back on the tree.

Image taken from here.

PARTY ON, GARTH!

Wow, did I have a wonderful weekend. Friday, I had dinner with a friend from high school. She also stood up in my wedding. We had a number of years to catch up on. It was wonderful to hear about her family and the many ways God has blessed her.

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Saturday, we began repainting Rachel's room. Off to Lowe's to pick out paint. The young kid at the paint counter told me I made his day. That was because I enlisted him to assist in pranking my daughter. I got him to put a horrible color on the paint can lid when he was done mixing the right color. It only took her a few minutes to figure out that mom was up to her shenanigans again. But it was fun. We painted the rest of the day, picked out a new lamp, new curtains, and a few other odds and ends. Her room is looking pretty good!

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Sunday was the cherry on top of this delightful weekend. My friends Manly and Juney and I attended a service at Evangel Ministries. What a great time!! This church loves Jesus. And loves whoever walks in their doors. It was a total party....celebrating, dancing, learning, giving and receiving. I haven't had this much fun in a long time.

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I walked in to work this morning and one of my co-workers said "You must have had a good weekend. You look rested." I would say it was peace and joy more than rest!!

Many years ago, I wrote a personal mission statement. I came across it recently and I may have thrown it out because when I looked for it this morning, I couldn't find it. You see, so much has changed and I thought parts of it no longer applied.

But yesterday, a couple of things inspired me to revisit the idea of a personal mission statement. I read this-

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But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. Jeremiah 29:7

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I have been waiting to exit this "exile" I have found myself in. Being rescued....that is what I have been focusing on. Returning to independence, my own home, financial security, a community. I have spent the last few years looking down the road, wondering and waiting for whatever it was that would take me to a new place, a place that would feel like freedom or home or something other than were I was.

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Yesterday, we were returning from somewhere, and the little girl across the street...I don't even know her name...said hello. I didn't hear her and walked into the house. My daughter said, "Mom, that little girl said hello to you." I felt bad that I had inadvertently ignored that sweet little soul. That and the scripture I read yesterday are speaking to me. I need to look around me with fresh eyes. I believe that God is sovereign and there are so many turns in which He could have changed my present. But He didn't. I must conclude that I am right where He wants me. Not just where I live, but other areas of my life. What has been fuzzy, clouded by self-pity, is becoming more clear. I have been railing against the bars and chains, and have wasted much. Time and resources.

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I think that living, really living, in exile is better than being stagnant. I need to start living.

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P.S. My new mission statement is in progress to be shared later.

Image taken from here.

THE SOLOIST

I was at a gathering a couple weeks back and the topic of conversation turned to mental illness. The young man I was conversing with asked if I had ever read "The Soloist" by Steve Lopez. I hadn't but the conversation was intriguing. My daughter and I happened to visit a our friend's bookstore right after that conversation and she spotted the book. I picked it up and started to read it while she browsed other shelves. I could not put it down.

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You will read about the power of music and the power of friendship in this book. It made me want to do a better job being a friend and a better job of making myself and my resources available to others.

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I highly recommend this book. If you want to know more, you can read about it here, the same place I got the image from.

THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER REVISTED

The graduation party was incredible! After it was all over, Rachel and I prayed together and just thanked God for the many loving people has brought into our lives. We felt surrounded by God's love. My family and closest friends helped with the food and my moment of panic when the circuits kept blowing and we couldn't get the food warmed. I think my eyes glazed over and when I came to...the food was ready! (Did I mention that they also cleaned up afterward?) Also, there was no brawling. My husband's mother, who has barely been able to stand being in the same vicinity as me, actually talked to me and gave me a number of hugs! God is truly good.

The morning after, I took my daughter to meet her dad for their trip to the airport. She will return from Kansas next Tuesday. Tomorrow is her 18th birthday and I still feel sad that we will be apart. I have sent her a couple of cards and have a present for her to open hidden in her luggage.

Last Thursday, my mom had some health problems. Thought we would end up in the ER. We still may.

Monday, I think I had a gall bladder attack.

So, mostly good stuff....and a bit of the difficult.

EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

I am finishing up a few things before I am off from work the rest of the week. Saturday, we will celebrate my daughter's graduation from high school. A number of broken relationships will be reunited there. Either God will be glorified in all of these lives....or it will be a glorious brawl! I will let you know what happens.

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On Sunday, my daughter will leave with her dad to visit his home in Kansas. I already miss her. I already worry that he will take good care of her. I know this will be a good thing for her relationship with him, that she is growing up and will have plenty of adventures of her own...but the mom in me is still strong. As she learns independence, I will learn to let go.

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She will turn 18 while she is away. I have never been apart from her on her birthday. I won't like that. Neither will she. We are truly best friends. For that, I am very grateful.

Image taken from here.

I PEED MY PANTS YESTERDAY.....

....well, I almost did. My daughter and I were going through her memory box picking out pictures and awards to display for her graduation party. We read some of the stories she wrote in 1st grade. Oh my, oh my. We had a hysterically good time.

She has truly been a gift to me...a gift from God. Filling my life with laughter, with joy, and with love!

picture taken from here.

THE RANDOM AND THE NOT SO RANDOM

1. Last week, I had two training classes going...one here at my office in Detroit and the other in Grand Rapids. I enjoyed the Grand Rapids group the most...we fit in quite a few laughs. But I have to admit that I am exhausted. Mentally.
2. This post, Tappers, is quite intriguing. I have come back to it over and over. "Starting today, I want to remember that everyone else isn’t hearing the tune. Today I want to be a more understanding tapper." I have been applying this to so many areas of my life. Like looking through a new pair of glasses, yes? Seeing things differently is causing me to live differently.
3. Yesterday, my daughter and I watched The Great Debaters. She commented that this took place "not that long ago". My mom was 7 years old. White, and living in the "North". I wonder if my grandparents listened to these debates? I wonder what they would have thought? I never heard any racial or ethnic slurs or jokes or plain ol' offhand comments from them or my mom. I hope my family would have been among those who gave a standing ovation. Needless to say, it is now my turn to make sure the "applause" continues to echo.
4. While watching the movie together, my daughter made some slight gesture...just a slight pat on the arm...but it left me with this HUGE impression of how much she loves me. Have I told you that she is graduating from high school and turns 18 in a couple of weeks? While she will always be my baby, and has grown into my best friend...I will miss the girl she has been. A part of me is feeling quite melancholy about the whole thing.
5. At the end of working around the yard and house on Saturday, a friend and I lit a fire in my backyard fire pit. When the flames ignited, it was that kind of whooshing fire, that grows big quite quickly and burns quite hot. As we sat there in the quiet of the early evening, the sky still blue, the birds still chirping away, that kind of whooshing fire swept over me. Right in the center of the stillness and quiet, my heart was taken away by thoughts of the greatness of God, and the loving burn of His presence. My friend talked on, but I was very still. I just wanted to be. Quiet. With Him.
6. Later, I went to poke at the fire with my fire stick. One must have a good fire stick when tending a fire. I guard mine well. I sat back down quite hard in my lawn chair, and continued to go back, back back...until I stopped quite suddenly with my feet up in the air and my back against the cold earth. Ouch! It hurt but I had to laugh at what I must have looked like, and it was quite a few minutes before I could find a way to get myself out of that chair. It is times like these that remind me not to take myself too seriously.

Enough, I need to get back to work. My desk is a site...all kinds of projects sitting there waiting for my attention. I really hope your Monday is a good one!

ANGER OVERLOAD

I have never had so many people angry at me at one time as I have had in the past couple of weeks. There have been family issues, work issues...to be honest...there have been issues on just about every front.

I have also had a few people ask me recently if I was angry about something when I wasn't. So, it got me to thinking. I am not always aware of how I come across. When I am overwhelmed, or burdened, or worried, or afraid...I think I can appear angry when in reality, my mind is totally somewhere else. The other thing that happens is that I am not as careful towards others as I normally am.

Another side of the coin is that sometimes, I am angry...really angry. Last week one person in our office was not helping out when we were in a bit of a crisis...you know those "all hands on deck" kind of times. I thought about asking someone else to say something to this person. I figured that wouldn't be fair, so I bit the bullet and told the person to get to work. Later, that person posted something that made me mad every time I saw it. I could feel my temperature rising....my eyes going back to the passive-aggressive message every few minutes. I thought of a hundred smart-aleck responses and even started to type a few in response. I finally closed myself in my office and just begged God to bring my heart to a place of repentance. I posted the name of Jesus right next to the other person's post...so that my eyes would be drawn to His name instead of the other.

The old me would have struck back and struck hard. I grew up with three brothers and I lived with an angry man for 23 years. I know how to throw down. And I have. And there have been times when I know I have brought shame to the name of my Lord with my angry behavior. Nowadays, I recognize that there are other things more important than being right, or being the strongest, or winning.

So, I have been spending the past few days rebuilding. There was the phone call to a co-worker who was rude to me because he thought I was being rude to him. I called him and said I was sorry for anything in my tone that may have given him the impression that I was being rude. We ended up laughing together and he worked harder on the next project I needed him for than he would have the day before. There was a visit to a family member who had gossiped about me and judged me unfairly. I just tried to be as friendly and loving as I could. The jury is still out on this one, but at least there remains an open door between us. This weekend there was another family member who I had inadvertently offended when I disagreed on a position that I thought was benign. I dropped in to tell that person that I loved her and was sorry that I had hurt her and promised I would be more careful going forward. Her smile was a mile wide when we parted.

I am trying to be more careful with my interactions with others, to be watchful of the climate we find ourselves in, to keep myself in the present and not let distractions make me appear uncaring or unloving.

Image taken from here.