Tuesday, February 28, 2006

This One Is Different

Today is the 3rd Anniversary of my divorce. I have often wondered how I got here. I never thought it would happen. My marriage wasn't a good one. But my vows were strong. I had made them to my Lord and my husband and for 23 years I honored them. The past few years have been years of survival. Had it not been for the tender mercies of our Lord, for the love and generosity of family and friends, I don't know how we would have made it.

The pain of divorce was exactly as described in scripture....a tearing apart. The fear was intense and still creeps up to haunt me from time to time. Grief has come and gone, usually at very odd moments like the time I drove over the bridge near where we had kept our sailboat....totally wasn't expecting it. Regret is huge. I will always regret that we weren't able to honor God and each other in our marriage. Anger has played itself out-until those moments when my child is hurt-then I begin the struggle anew. I don't think I have cried as much in my entire life as I have through this divorce.

There have also been intimate, wondrous, and crazy moments. My friends and family took on the burden of this divorce with me, listening to me, being patient with me, crying with me, loving me, supporting me. They have been beyond amazing. Then there was the time my car broke down, and I was going to have to put the $1,200 repair on my mom's credit card. I had no money. When I went to pick it up, the repair shop owner said to me, "You have alot of people who love you." Embarassed by my financial situation, I was trying to get in and out quickly, so his words didn't really register. "Uh, yes, I do. Where do I need to sign?" "No," he said. "You don't understand. My phone has been ringing all afternoon. Your friends have called in and completely paid your bill!"

There has been laughter in the midst of all the mess, too. Like the first time I had to go to court. I was so nervous and anxious, praying all the way downtown. I parked in the underground garage, and as I was walking, I noticed that only one of my shoes was clicking on the cement. I looked down, and had two different shoes on, different colors, different styles. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When I got in to the office, Vicki was wearing the same exact pair-opposite feet! (She had gone to my house and retrieved the matches.)

Each year, the anniversary of my divorce has been sad and emotional for me. But somehow today, this one is different. It could be that time has helped to heal. Or it could be what God whispered to me the other day....something about new dreams. I am not sure what He has planned, but I can't wait to find out!

He brought me out into a spacious place: He rescued me because He delighted in me.--II Samuel 22:20