Sunday, March 12, 2006

BUTTERFLY KISSES

Butterfly Kisses suck. Not butterfly kisses themselves. They are sweet and wonderful when received from a sweet and wonderful child. It's the song. I hate when they play this song. Not that the song isn't as sweet and wonderful as butterfly kisses are. It is. It's just what this song does to me that sucks.
We were at the beginning of the end of our marriage. Things were falling apart fast. That sounds weird since we had been in a slow, uncomfortable, holding pattern for so many years. But here we were. I wasn't sure where things were headed. My husband was. He told one of MY friends that he had been to see a lawyer. God said wait. Friends and family said look to protecting yourself and your child. God said wait. So, what was there to do..... but wait.
It was Spring. Recital time! Every parent looks forward to watching their little virtuoso on the stage mesmerizing the audience with the proficiency of their musical abilities. My daughter's flute teacher was excited to tell us he had something really great planned for her to play that year. He told us he wanted her to play Butterfly Kisses with a full band back-up. On the screen behind her would be a slide show of pictures from infancy to present. He wanted lots of daddy-daughter pictures....and even better, take one with her wearing a veil! He said the audience would love it, they would probably all be moved to tears.
My face betrayed me. He didn't get it. What didn't I like about his idea? I think he was the first person outside of my close circle of friends that I told. "My husband has gone to see a lawyer. Things are pretty bad right now. I'm not sure what is going to happen." Generously, he offered to switch her song. But, I couldn't take this away from my daughter because of my discomfort. If I surrounded myself with friends, perhaps it would be alright.
She played Butterfly Kisses beautifully. The audience oohed and aahed as each new picture came on the screen. A few people actually cried. My friends encircled me with love and support. God's grace was there for me and I got through it. Life marched on. I switched the station every time this song came on.
Until a couple of days ago. Butterfly Kissis came on when I was driving. It's been a long time. I always enjoyed the song before. Let it play. And play on it did. Painting a beautiful picture of the love of a daddy for his daughter as she grows from his little girl to a young woman that he will walk down the aisle. And the grief crashed down so forcefully it was almost crushing. My daughter, my beautiful little girl won't have that. Her daddy can go months without calling her. He doesn't know her dreams, her fears, her hurts. Has she ever seen his eyes filled with love for her? Has he told her that she is beautiful? Has he told her how lucky some young man will be to take her as his wife some day? Has he told her that, no matter what, he will protect her? Will he be a stranger the day he walks her down the aisle? Will she have the intimacy of that shared moment with her daddy? Or will it be one more thing she has had ripped from her?
Fear adds to my grief. I love my daughter. I know she knows it. I am deliberate about her knowing it. But try as I might, I cannot give her all those things that little girls learn and gain from their relationships with their daddies. I try to compensate as much as I am able. But I wonder, when I am watching her look into a mirror on her wedding day to adjust her veil, what will I see in her eyes? Will I have done enough? Will I be enough?

6 comments:

Becky said...

you yes yes

KayMac said...

Everyone should have a friend as loving and caring as you. I appreciate you Becky.

tina fabulous said...

i cant stand that song either! not for the same reasons, but sadly its become somewhat of a corny wedding staple.
i think things like that perhaps give us unrealistic expectations of how things should be or make us focus on what isnt there instead of what is.
but thats just my completely unprofessional opinion!

KayMac said...

Some good points Tina. A friend of mine just reminded me this morning of all these incredible women we know who did not grow up w/ much love from their fathers...but have received incredible love from their Heavenly Father--"I'm not at all trying to minimize the damage that she has suffered. I just feel hopeful based on...Knowing God." And as for your "completely unprofessional opinion"--I have been reading your posts and I think you are a completely incredible deep thinker. Thanks. kmc

EJ said...

I grew up without a father in my life. It is obviously different for me because I am a boy, but I can tell you that without a father it made me appreciate my mother more. As people, we adapt to our situations. I never felt robbed of anything. If anything I felt more challenged and unique, and therefore it made me stronger. Those of us who had (or have) mothers like you are more blessed then most with both parents.

Tracey, in MI said...

awww....

made me cry-

but then--- made me thankful- for all that God can and will and HAS done in that incredible daughter of yours----

It's amazing how God makes up the difference- but- I can imagine the heartbreak ....

My biff with the song.....

totally irrelevant... but, as a mom of 3 BOYS... I'm SO LEFT OUT!!!!

NO flowers in their hair... though I DO get my share of butterfly kisses... and froggy kisses and snakey kisses.....;)