D...That is what I felt like I had tatooed to my forehead. D...divorce. I was ashamed and didn't want people to even look at me. I was a Christian...how could this be happening? It has taken a long time to get over those feelings of shame. Every once in a while, shame returns. Last night I was reading a book on a totally different subject and a statistic was mentioned....that the divorce rate within the church is the same as outside of the church. There they were...twinges of shame.
When news broke at my church that I was getting a divorce...most people were compassionate and sympathetic. They wanted to help. Others were curious and wanted details. I remember one saint of a woman who kept trying to get a look at my left hand while she talked to me....I took pleasure in keeping my hand hid so she couldn't see it. Another time, one dear soul asked me to speak at the Women's Ministry Christmas Tea. I explained that might not be a good idea...I was getting divorced. She hugged me and told me she still wanted me to speak. Her kindness and compassion still bring tears. When I was up in front of this group of ladies, I could hardly concentrate...all I kept wondering was...can they see the D? Do they know?
I had trouble saying the words for a long time...divorce, ex-husband. I had to practice them when I was alone because they didn't want to come out of my mouth. Sometimes, they still surprise me when said outloud.
On occassion, I look at my left hand like it belongs to a stranger. No ring perched there. After twenty three years of ring...no ring still feels strange...like I just forgot to wear it. It reminds me that I am changed. Some changes are better, some still unknown, some just accepted.
D...perhaps it is still there for the world to see. Perhaps it has faded. But I know that it has been gently kissed by the lips of my Savior...again and again.
Please be praying for the Divorce Recovery group I am a part of.