Friday, June 30, 2006

MY HOUSE

I was reading my new friend Margie's blog the other day (see hppt://christdrivenmom.blogspot.com June 22) and it made me smile. Margie talks about her house, the little corner of the world that God has blessed her with. She made me think about my house.
My little house was our starter home. We made all kinds of changes...opened up walls, added a huge family room and an office for me, built a brick fireplace with a full wood surround, put in new windows, a nice porch that I used to hang cedar roping and lights on at Christmas, and put in a red brick walkway up to the door. I helped my daughter redo her room when she was 12, from little girl blue with stencil ribbons and hearts, to very grown-up and modern cranberry red with white carpeting--I painted a little message in her closet "Heart you, mom" and the date. For years I wanted a pink flowering dogwood, and finally received one as gift a couple years ago from Vicki Sue. My baby dogwood had a sage green (my favorite color) satin ribbon tied to it that I left hanging on a branch. I called it my "sister tree". I knew it would take a couple years to blossom, but I was so excited...a dream fulfilled!

I remortgaged and paid my ex-husband half the value of the house as part of our divorce settlement. In exchange, I was awarded child support and 4 years of alimony....enough to help me get on my feet. My friends worried about us but I told them what I had been awarded and that we would be fine. Two months later, my ex-husband was laid off affecting my child support and alimony. My friends worried, and I started to worry also. But I kept saying, "God knew this would happen. I am sure He has it covered."
Then came the day when I took a look at my finances and realized I was in trouble. I couldn't meet my bills. How was I going to tell my daughter? She had been through enough at this point. This was the only home she had ever known. As the realization started to sink in, panic started to rise. I decided to sneak out the back door at work, go home, and find some corner to hide in until I could recover a bit. Right then my friends came in the front door of my office to rescue me...to tell me that they would help me and be there for me. I was crashing though, and didn't want to face them. So, I ran crying into the bathroom. (Since we have video surveillance going, I found out later that everyone else was watching me run crying into the bathroom....lol) Once I got in there, I realized that I had just made a spectacle of myself. Here I was stuck in the bathroom, no keys, no purse...just two toilets and me...how was I ever going to get out with my dignity still intact? I started to laugh in the middle of all the tears.
My friends did help me...alot. There still came the day when I signed a lease agreement, renting my house out...just for a year....until I could pay off some debt. Man, that was a hard year. I questioned God. I felt lost, broken, and like such a failure. There were times at first, that I would be driving and head towards my house, and then realize....oh, I don't live there....and then the grief would come. Sometimes so strong that I felt like I had been physically punched in the gut. My daughter and I cried together as we pictured my love note in her closet being painted over by the tenants. They often invited me in to see what they had done to the place. I couldn't go in.
Just Wednesday, we signed a lease agreement for another year. I can't move back yet. Perhaps I never will. So, why did Margie's blog make me smile? It reminded me of hope. That God has placed her exactly in the right place, just as He has me in exactly the right place even though I wouldn't have chosen it. It reminded me to rejoice with my sister for the good that God has done in her life, even as I rejoice for the tender mercies He continues to bestow in mine. It reminded me that He has a plan, that He is sovereign, and that He is a good and loving God. It reminded me to be thankful....my pink flowering dogwood was totally covered in blossoms this past spring, my nephew (who also lives where we live) and I are growing more close than ever, my debt is slowly but surely getting paid down, and my daughter...well, she is blossoming more than my dogwood--growing in the grace and the knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
You know, I intentionally didn't connect with the neighbors where I am living now because I knew I wasn't staying. But even more so, because I was feeling pretty depressed about where I was. This morning, as I looked out the window while I was folding my mom's laundry, I realized I don't know the people who live in serveral houses across the street. So, I am going to be missionally intentional about getting over to meet them in the next couple of days. It's time to get busy!

I would have lost hope unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!--Psalm 27:13-14

Please be praying for the divorce recovery group I am a part of. Thanks!

7 comments:

Tracey, in MI said...

I'm proud of you- and love you.

even though you've ocassionally traumasized me.


You meet your neighbors- I'll meet mine;) Though I may have to learn a few new languages to do so!

Sara said...

i had no idea k.m. but i'm glad now i can share your burdens with you. i'm amazed, impressed and loving you more every day. when it's time to move back in, call me. we'll form a conga line up the brick walkway!

Becky said...

i know where you live.

Margie said...

And I'll bring the cheesecake!

You inspire me, and make me so thankful that I have people "in my life" like you.

I will be praying for you.

Peta said...

I truly admire your strength...I hope you can move back, soon!! Good luck with your neighbors :)

KayMac said...

it's a deal...moving back party w/ conga line, cheesecake, and wonderful friends. Hey, let's not wait...we can do that anywhere..anytime!
becky/tracey....you DO know don't you? thanks..love you

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