RENEWING VOWS - PART 2

(In this pic Matthew, Tracey, Pastor Rob, Kyle, Michael)

I love weddings. It is always an honor to be invited to join the celebration as people you care about cross that portal from singleness into marriage. Being invited to share in the celebration of renewed marriage vows takes on a whole different level of special. There is something wondrous about witnessing couples who have lived the day to day of married life and say "I still choose you."

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I have been to several vow renewals, each one a cherished memory. I remember sitting with my friend, Carole, in a salon as she was getting her hair done. She was surprising her husband. He thought he was officiating as my husband and I renewed our vows. I sat in the chair next to her as the hairdresser was styling her hair into a beautiful updo. I was transfixed as I watched her transforming from my dear friend, into a beautiful bride. I thought I had never seen her lovelier, until I saw her standing across from her adoring husband, a total expression of love and devotion radiating from her face. Breathtaking!

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My sister-friend Tracey (that's her and her family in the photo above) can "out Martha" Martha Stewart. I have seen her fashion beautiful roses from toilet paper (during a shower game!) She always adds these incredible touches to anything she decorates. I was sitting at a ministry meeting waiting to head out to my friends' house for their vow renewal. My cell rang and it was Tracey. "Can you come. I need you right now." I don't even remember if I said goodbye as I sprang from that room to go help my friend. Remembering that moment reminded me of how much I love this friend and how often she has come to my rescue. Tracey looked stunning. Again, she was transformed from my dear friend, into this beautiful bride. Her home was perfectly decorated, all these touches of flowers in just the right places around the rooms. I recall how much she had put in to this event, wanting everything to be special and beautiful and romantic as she looked in to her husband-groom's face and said "I still do!" Kyle choked up as he said his vows and I loved him for loving my friend so much that the thought of their union evoked such emotion.

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This summer, one of my favorite couples, Amy and Craig, will be renewing their vows. Everyone can see how they love each other, how they take care of each other. A family with two children now, they haven't lost that sparkle in their relationship. I cannot wait!

RENEWING VOWS - PART 1

There were alot of divorces on my dad's side of the family. My (soon to be) husband had been divorced. All that history of divorce in our backgrounds scared me. So in an effort to break this chain of divorce we would bring into our marriage, we planned on renewing our vows every 5 years.

Year 5. I was working full time and putting myself through college. Our 5th anniversary fell on a Saturday. I had a morning class and an afternoon class. We met our pastor at church during lunch, just the three of us before God, as he lead us through vows of commitment and promise. I cried the whole time. Because, with some life behind us, the words we were promising to each other, the traditional marriage vows, took on a much weightier meaning than they had on our wedding day. It felt very sacred.

Year 10. Killing two birds with one stone, our vow renewal was also the cover for a surprise party for our pastor (or was it his wife? I can't remember which now.) Several couples gathered together at church and, once again, we recommited ourselves before God and friends "to love, honor and obey...as long as we both shall live." It was simple and beautiful and fun. It wouldn't be long after that we learned that God had plans for us that we had given up hoping for...we were going to become parents!

Year 15. My husband, my daughter and I gathered in Pastor Rob's office. Pastor Rob, like a brother to me and an uncle to my daughter, knew what was left unspoken. He knew the struggles. We repeated those vows while our little girl played at our feet, unaware that her parents were locked in battle, in turmoil. I silently prayed, "Oh My Lord. Help me get through this without breaking down. Help me to live out these vows."

Year 20. Me: "Our 20th anniversary is coming up. Do you want to renew our vows?" Him: "I don't care. It's up to you." We didn't. And divorced after 23 years, we never made it to Year 25.

LOST DOG

I love this photo of our dog. My daughter took it a couple of years ago and he looks like he is smiling. We love our dog. He is devoted to us.

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He has aged so much since this photo. His legs frequently go out and he looks like Bambi on ice, with legs sprawled completely out. Sometimes he can get up by himself, but most times, we have to lift up his hindquarters and then hold him until he steadies. I have to cook a special concoction for his meals-it is the only thing his stomach can handle, and even then there are times....
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When we let him out, sometimes he will fall down the steps, and sometimes he falls up the
steps, and sometimes he just sits down and gives us the "no way this is gonna happen today" look. His hearing is going, so if he is not looking at us, we have to clap our hands to get his attention so he will walk towards the door. Sometimes he stands in the backyard and just looks confused, like he is not sure what he is supposed to be doing.

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Over a week ago now, I had to let him out in the middle of the night. I went to check on him to see if he was ready to come in. I couldn't see him. I looked out the kitchen window. No dog. I woke Rachel up. "I can't find the dog!" We put on coats and boots, grabbed a flashlight, and headed out back. After several minutes, we saw him in the back corner of the yard. Just standing. Not sure where he was. We clapped and he was so happy, like a lost dog found. Except that our claps echoed off the neighbors houses and garages so he couldn't find us. We had to walk out to him and lead him home.

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We have had several of these late night episodes. Especially now that the snow has melted. His black coat blends in during the dark of night and we can't see him. One, two, three in the morning, there we are with flashlights, looking for our lost boy.
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Last summer, when we went to Guatemala, he was so broken hearted that he stopped eating. We came home and had to hold water in our hands that first night to get him to drink a few drops. I didn't think he would live through the night, he was so weak. So weak that he could only wag his tail once when we walked in the door. My neighbor asked us what we are feeding him, because he bounced back then, and then several times since. I tell her, "Love!"
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Nothing is more powerful or healing than love!

MISSION STATEMENT.....THEN

My daughter found the tattered paper in my Bible a couple weeks ago. "What is this?" she asked after reading it. "It is a personal mission statement I wrote several years ago," I answered.

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"I will live each day in consecration, dedication, and devotion to my God and King-to fulfill the purposes and opportunities He calls me to as a wife, mother, and believer. I will seek spiritual and emotional maturity, and physical and financial well-being. I will strive to be a blessing. I will strive to listen. 1-7-02"

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I am not sure what prompted me to write out a mission statement. One year later, I would be in the final stages of divorce. "...wife, mother, and believer."

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I am glad I never tossed that slip of paper. I am glad my daughter had the chance to read it and caught a glimpse of my heart. There are some who felt I didn't fight for my marriage because I didn't beg my husband to stay. There are reasons I didn't beg. I fought long and hard for my marriage for over 20 years. But I will keep the details of the fight and the reasons I didn't beg between myself and my God. I am at peace with this. But I also want her to know that I value marriage and that I valued the marriage I shared with her father.

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Sunday was the 7th anniversary of our divorce. I almost forgot. "...wife, mother, believer." I think I need a new mission statement.

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Image taken from here.

IT'S COMPLICATED

"... we had always had a complicated relationship. We loved each other deeply, but like I said....it was not easy. I'll just say it as it was, she was not an easy person to be around, and out of frustration, and sometimes anger, I didn't always do all I could to make it any easier..." These words from my friend, Pat's blog, jumped out at me today. They captured exactly how I have been feeling.
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This morning was a tough one. As I was fixing my mom's breakfast I thought, "This is why God gave me only one child. He knew I would be parenting my mom for all these years." And today, I felt much too old and too tired for a giant toddler. That is why my friend's words spoke so loudly to me.
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Growing up, my mom was probably the perfect mom. She was a scout leader, artistic, creative, committed to her children's pursuits. I remember that near our birthdays, she would ask what kind of cake we wanted. It didn't matter what we came up with, she would find a way to make it. Probably the most difficult was the year my brother asked for an aircraft carrier cake. And at his birthday party, there was a replica of the aircraft carrier my dad served on in the U.S. Navy, complete with airplanes made out of lifesavers and sticks of gum, lined up on the deck!
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When I was 11, my parents had a meeting to tell us that they were divorcing. I had to move into the master bedroom for awhile when my dad took up residence in my room. I don't remember much about sharing that room with my mom, except I used to like looking through her jewelry box and this gave me plenty of opportunity. My parents went on to divorce and my dad eventually exchanged our family for a new one. We became step-children. I know everyone tried very hard to co-mingle the two families...but as Pat said..."It's complicated!"
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My mom became a working mom. Something that was very uncommon back when I was a kid. Divorce was still a word that was whispered in polite company. I remember putting on birthday parties for her and inviting all her friends from work. But somewhere along the way we lost each other. She abdicated her role as parent, probably because she was exhausted from work, and I pretty much became my own boss.
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Over the years, as I graduated from high school and college, married, set up my own household, and became a successful business woman, that small fissure that had begun in our relationship, widened. While I loved my mom, she was not the person I turned to with my joys and fears. She was involved in my life, of course, but things were just different.
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While my journey as her emotional caretaker had begun soon after her divorce, my journey as physical caretaker started when I was pregnant. I began doing my mom's laundry since she was now in a wheelchair. That is how everyone was first alerted that I had gone into labor. I didn't pick up her laundry that morning and no one could reach me all day.
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As the years wore on, her physical needs became greater and greater. Her world shrank and she didn't seem to mind at all. She was happy. We (my brothers and I) made modifications to her home so she could maintain the most mobility and independence. But somehow, she didn't see things that way. She does not like change. And there had to be changes. She resented us for those changes, not seeing the sacrifices that our families made to allow her to stay in her own home. Ah, it got complicated!
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Now, my mom is just a shadow of her old self really. The other day I got her dressed and then forgot to tell her to sit down in her wheelchair. I took her soiled laundry downstairs to the washer and heard yelling. I ran up the stairs and there was my mom, gripping onto her walker, not knowing what to do next because I had neglected to remind her to sit down in her wheelchair. Or, the day last week my daughter called me in tears asking if I could come home. My mom had left the water running in the sink and flooded the bathroom, enough so that water dripped into the basement below. Sometimes she remembers how to use the telephone, and other times she can't figure it out. Every day is different. Some are fine and fairly easy. Some are not so easy. Like life, I guess.
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Sometimes we see glimpses of my "old" mom...the way she used to be. She lights up whenever any of my brothers come over. Sometimes, her voice sounds exactly like it used to...strong and confident. She loves the caregiver that comes twice a week to help out...they laugh and joke and my mom is soooo happy when she is there.
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I have helped a number of my friends place their parents in senior care. Why do I keep trying to take care of my mom at home? It's complicated. Part of the reason is...she wants to be at home. I will never forget the way she cried when I told her she was coming home during her last nursing home rehab. Part of the reason is...my dad never took good care of my mom. She deserved better than he was able to give her and I guess I am trying to make up for that. And part of the reason is...I am afraid my mom, the essence of who she is, will disappear completely soon. And I want to do everything to prolong that inevitability. And part of the reason is....God created me to be a nurturer. So many times, I have felt God speaking to my heart, letting me know that I am fulfilling a part of His purpose, by caring for my mom. And part of the reason is....I want to teach my daughter that family sticks together, even when the road gets very, very hard. And part of the reason is...she is my mom and I am her daughter. It's just complicated.
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Pat, I have told you many times that you have been a blessing and have helped me cope with caring for my mom, in your own experiences with your mom. Thank you for doing that yet again. There is a freedom and strength that comes from letting go and saying "it is hard and difficult...complicated really". And from being understood.
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Image taken from here.

ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.....

....and he has taken my gall bladder with him! Image taken from here.

Thanks everyone for the prayers and all the support!

Rebecca, thanks for the soup! Image taken from here

Sara and Dean....my first "real" food hit the spot! Image taken from here

EJ, Lindsay, & Jack - 2 thumbs up! Image taken from here.

SOOO TIRED!

I hardly got any sleep last night. The sound of my mom choking woke me up. I rushed to her room and said, "Mom, were you choking or coughing? Are you OK?" "Coffee? I don't have any coffee."
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A couple of hours later, this loud buzzing noise took me to my mom's room again. I couldn't figure it out, but it stopped when I got there. I have no clue what it was. But she was OK.
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A couple of hours after that, my mom screamed, loudly. I ran to her room. "What's wrong?" "My cat!" "What happened? Did your cat bite you?" "No, I rolled over on my cat." Now, my mom is very immobile once she is in bed. Two people have difficulty rolling her onto her side, so there is no way she could have rolled over onto her cat. She was probably dreaming. "Go back to sleep, Mom. Your cat is OK."
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A bit later....whistling. She whistles for her cat when she is in bed. Over and over. And over. And over. I got up and went to her room. "Mom, no whistling today. We need to get some sleep and have to be up in an hour. Your cat is OK. She is right under your bed."
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We have a caregiver come in twice a week to give her a shower. We have been discussing bed baths because some days my mom is pretty shaky. She fell two weeks ago transferring while getting a shower. I listened from my room as I got ready for work. The caregiver had to repeat instructions constantly while my mom transferred from the wheelchair to the shower chair. "Ahh," I thought. "This isn't a good sign."
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My mom has been more confused and forgetful. A few weeks ago, she asked me what 30 plus 20 was because she couldn't remember. When we got home from our recent weekend trip, she asked if we were moving back in. Later she asked if Rachel was my daughter. I told her she was. "So, then I am her grandmother?" "Yes." "Does she know I am?" "Yes."
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In some ways, this development makes it easier to care for my mom. I think because I have very few expectations. My mom's health has been declining for over 20 years. Our responsibility for her care has increased with each year. Before that, my parents' divorce zapped alot of her parenting energy. In many ways, our roles were reversed long before her health problems. And somewhere in the mix, I was just a kid who wanted my mom to be my mom. And she wasn't. It wasn't all her fault. In her sudden vault into single motherhood, I am sure she did her best, but in her efforts to be a provider, we lost our mom and our friend. I think...no, if I am to be honest...I did resent that loss and the responsibilities for her care. So, in a strange way, knowing that she "can't" be the mom I wanted or needed, has made my load lighter.
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My reverie was interruped by the care giver. "Good job! You did awesome! You trusted me and look how easy things went. You got right up off that shower chair. You really made my day!"
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While my daughter and I are dragging today after a nearly sleepless night, my mom had a good day with her shower. I smiled. "Thanks, Lord," I whispered, kissed my daughter good-bye and went to work.

MY LIFE OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS

I took Rachel to her first book signing a few weeks back. The author was Brian "Head" Welch, formerly of Korn. He was a phenomenal speaker-had the capacity to make a person feel like he was speaking one-on-one while he kept the whole crowd engaged. Buy his book. It is a remarkable story of a life transformed. Buy his CD for your kids. They will love it!
Our company had an open house at our new facilities in Grand Rapids. The building looked great. We got to meet some interesting people and wonderful customers. And a co-worker and I got lost in Lansing for about an hour on the way home. The state police were routing people off the e-way and since it was dark and late anyways...we got lost. But with the help of our dispatch staff, we were able to find our way home. The very next day, Rachel and I left for a camping trip in Indiana.

My friend, Sandy, drove her class A RV by herself for the first time. She also parked it. Didn't she do a fantastic job backing it into the camp site?

This photo and the following photo's were taken by Rachel.

Since I was so tired from the previous couple of weeks, preparing for the open house, I decided we weren't staying in a tent. Instead, Rachel and I stayed at the Potawotami Inn. It was great!

We sat around the campfire, laughing and talking. We went on a hayride, the kids went on pony rides, we celebrated a couple of birthdays. This is an annual trip and I always look forward to it.

This is one of my favorite shots...looking up the trunk of a tree.

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Somewhere in these past weeks, the following Quote of the Day happened:

"She marches to the drum of a different beat!"

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This past week, I participated in the launch of Time Out at Richland Bible Church. It is a group for single moms. The women from this church just showered so much love on the women who came.

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This past weekend my friends' daughter got married. It was in the outdoor chapel at Sherman Lakes YMCA open air chapel. The wedding was fun, the setting perfect. I have never seen a bride and groom enjoy their wedding as much as this couple. This was also Rachel's first time being a bridesmaid. It was a simply wonderful weekend...filled with family, with love, and community.
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So, I am back at work today. I think life is returning to normal and I will be around much more often. I will spend the rest of the week getting caught up on YOUR lives and happenings!!

LOVELY DAY AT THE ZOO

I took the day off the Friday after Labor Day so my daughter and I could go to the Detroit Zoo. It was perfect day and we had a blast. She brought her camera. Here are a couple of our favorites!
Actually, this bear was way in the distance and she used her zoom. Worked pretty good.

Because there were not many people at the zoo, many of the animals were paying closer attention to the humans than normal. It was a bit disconcerting to have this tiger tracking us!

This is one of my fav photos. Looks like a two-headed Rhino! I have an affinity for Rhinos anyways!

This was my daughter's favorite photo. This was taken in the Butterfly House.

MY MIRACLES

Yesterday, as I was leaving for work, my daughter asked me to pray for her drive to and from work. She just had a nervous feeling. Of course I prayed. She called me when she got to work and we both went on about our day. Later that afternoon, I was on my way back to the office from a meeting over an hour away. I was turning onto the street my office is on when my cell phone went off. It was my daughter. Her brakes had failed but she was ok. I dropped my co-worker off and raced to meet up with her on the side street she had managed to pull off on.

Much of her drive involves a 50 mph highway. There is a stretch of expressway that she takes and then has a quick traffic light as soon as she exits. When we stopped to think about what she could have faced if the brakes had failed along her route, we were both a bit shaken.

I was able to drive her car home, she wasn't too far. She followed behind in mine. Her Uncle Darryl came to her rescue and fixed her car for her. Turns out one of the brake lines had worn against her shocks, suddenly draining the brake fluid.

Thank You, Lord, for my daughter's safety. Thank You for a brother that is always there when we need him. Thank You that the 3rd place I tried, had the parts we needed to repair her car. Thank You that my work day was suddenly changed, bringing me close to home when I was needed. Thank You for Your care and presence when we know we are in need, and for those times we don't even have a clue. Thank You for being the Rock that I run to, the Shelter that I hide in.

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Hear my cry, O God,listen to my prayer;

from the end of the earth I call to you

when my heart is faint.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,

for you have been my refuge,a strong tower against the enemy.

Let me dwell in your tent forever!

Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah

Psalm 61:1-4

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Image taken from here.

UPDATES

My daughter has returned from the far corners of the world...well, from Kansas. It is funny, but somehow that week she changed and returned to me more of an adult than she was before. She was able to visit some museums and had a replica of King Richard, the Lion-Hearted's sword shipped home. I must admit, it is beautiful. And further proof that my daughter marches to the beat of her own drummer. No clothes, no shoes, no jewelry, no typical 18 year old purchases while out of town...but a sword. I have always enjoyed that about her.

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I have to find a new time to blog. I used to take my lunches to catch up and post. But I rarely take a lunch at work now. I haven't had any further issues with my gall bladder. I am working really hard at eating and exercise...just trying to keep as healthy as possible.

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My mom hasn't had any further issues that could have put her in the hospital. However, she continues to become more disoriented. I am really working with her diet as well, hoping that will give her the best opportunity for staying at her home. Yesterday she asked me if I knew who all the people were in the photographs that I had in her living room. They are all pictures of family, her parents, her children, her grandchildren. Sigh. I have a degree in Gerontology and had worked for 20 plus years in long term care, so I know what to do and what to expect. But, it doesn't lessen the sadness that I feel for her. The good news is, she is still very much aware and connected to her cat. So when I hear her talking to her cat every morning, I remain convinced, that despite all her other issues, I have made the best choices for her. She is happy to be in her own home. With her cat.

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I want to end with a Quote of the Day that I didn't get to post yet:

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"Did you say ASPERGAS?"

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Image taken from here.

I PEED MY PANTS YESTERDAY.....

....well, I almost did. My daughter and I were going through her memory box picking out pictures and awards to display for her graduation party. We read some of the stories she wrote in 1st grade. Oh my, oh my. We had a hysterically good time.

She has truly been a gift to me...a gift from God. Filling my life with laughter, with joy, and with love!

picture taken from here.

WHERE'S WALDO?

Whew! We are in the 2nd week of the largest team project my company has ever been involved in. Things are a bit slower for me this week so I decided to look through my emails...the ones that I have been skimming and neglecting to answer for the past several months. How could I have missed this one, sent to me by my sweet friend, Becky. Becky took this on a recent vacation. Can you figure out why she sent this to me????

Love you, Becky! I FINALLY got it!

THE NURSING HOME RESIDENT

My mom has been in a nursing home for rehab since the beginning of April. She has been in and out in the past recovering from some thing or another. This is the first time we weren't sure she would be coming home. Even now, we are not sure that she should be coming home, but I want to try at least one more time. Things might not work out.

This morning I stopped in to drop off her laundry. During my visits, I have noticed that she is looking more and more like a nursing home resident and less and less like my mom. She has periodic episodes of confusion and forgetfulness. She tests out as mildly to moderately disoriented. She is having more trouble recalling words and expressing herself. We have had to keep her microwave at home unplugged for a while now because she keeps setting things on fire. So, when I stopped in, I mentioned that I was getting things ready for her to come home in a week or two....she has new windows on her house, flowers in the front, freshly painted and tiled bathroom. She looked up at me from her wheelchair, her blue blue eyes filling with tears, and she started to cry. "I am? I am coming home? I get to see the kids and my cat?" It broke my heart.

I have been wondering if I was doing the right thing. She has alot of friends at the nursing home and stays pretty busy during the day. She has all the help she needs. She has no chance to burn something in the microwave. It would be easier for all of us. But this morning I knew....one more time, maybe only one day or one week...who knows how long we can manage...but one more time to come home and see her cat and her house and her things before she is consigned to becoming a nursing home resident.