SOOO TIRED!

I hardly got any sleep last night. The sound of my mom choking woke me up. I rushed to her room and said, "Mom, were you choking or coughing? Are you OK?" "Coffee? I don't have any coffee."
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A couple of hours later, this loud buzzing noise took me to my mom's room again. I couldn't figure it out, but it stopped when I got there. I have no clue what it was. But she was OK.
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A couple of hours after that, my mom screamed, loudly. I ran to her room. "What's wrong?" "My cat!" "What happened? Did your cat bite you?" "No, I rolled over on my cat." Now, my mom is very immobile once she is in bed. Two people have difficulty rolling her onto her side, so there is no way she could have rolled over onto her cat. She was probably dreaming. "Go back to sleep, Mom. Your cat is OK."
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A bit later....whistling. She whistles for her cat when she is in bed. Over and over. And over. And over. I got up and went to her room. "Mom, no whistling today. We need to get some sleep and have to be up in an hour. Your cat is OK. She is right under your bed."
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We have a caregiver come in twice a week to give her a shower. We have been discussing bed baths because some days my mom is pretty shaky. She fell two weeks ago transferring while getting a shower. I listened from my room as I got ready for work. The caregiver had to repeat instructions constantly while my mom transferred from the wheelchair to the shower chair. "Ahh," I thought. "This isn't a good sign."
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My mom has been more confused and forgetful. A few weeks ago, she asked me what 30 plus 20 was because she couldn't remember. When we got home from our recent weekend trip, she asked if we were moving back in. Later she asked if Rachel was my daughter. I told her she was. "So, then I am her grandmother?" "Yes." "Does she know I am?" "Yes."
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In some ways, this development makes it easier to care for my mom. I think because I have very few expectations. My mom's health has been declining for over 20 years. Our responsibility for her care has increased with each year. Before that, my parents' divorce zapped alot of her parenting energy. In many ways, our roles were reversed long before her health problems. And somewhere in the mix, I was just a kid who wanted my mom to be my mom. And she wasn't. It wasn't all her fault. In her sudden vault into single motherhood, I am sure she did her best, but in her efforts to be a provider, we lost our mom and our friend. I think...no, if I am to be honest...I did resent that loss and the responsibilities for her care. So, in a strange way, knowing that she "can't" be the mom I wanted or needed, has made my load lighter.
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My reverie was interruped by the care giver. "Good job! You did awesome! You trusted me and look how easy things went. You got right up off that shower chair. You really made my day!"
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While my daughter and I are dragging today after a nearly sleepless night, my mom had a good day with her shower. I smiled. "Thanks, Lord," I whispered, kissed my daughter good-bye and went to work.