Friday, June 13, 2008

CONFESSION


Sooooooo....I mentioned my co-worker, Jill in my last post. And how she was touching the lives of others. I was telling my daughter about her. And I said, "Man, I want to be a part of God's story like that." Several weeks ago, I shared with a group of friends that I felt like I didn't want "it to be over" when it came to ministry and ministering. That I have this deep longing to be doing something but I just don't see or know what that is. In the past I very much felt God's focus and direction and call.
And yesterday I was mulling this all over. And two things God said to me:
1. He has placed me in a position to serve. But it is one I don't like. That of taking care of my mother. Our roles basically reversed when I was around 12 years old. I became the caretaker. She was broken in spirit by her divorce. And later, broken in body and resigned to a wheelchair. I take care of her most private of personal needs. I have been doing this for so long and I frequently resent it. Oh, sometimes I see the picture clearly. I see all this as an answer to her prayers. I see it as a way to minster in a Mother Theresa-esque way. Caring for the sick. But honestly, most of the time I see it as a burden and I dream of the days I can escape. And I often minster in the most joyless manner. I am not telling this so you can feel sorry for me. I am asking for your prayers so I can be strong in what I have been called to and strong enough to repent of the resentment and bitterness that I give way to. Really, I don't want advice....I just need your prayers.
2. He has put opportunities in my path...but I have stopped watching for them...missing them completely. And He brought opportunity after opportunity to my mind. Ahhh, how could I have walked right by that one? This one, it didn't even register. Yesterday I was determined to be very deliberate about watching. And there they came, opportunities that I could act on. Not for a pat on the back. Not to be busy. But how can I explain....just to be a part of Jesus and His work on this earth...it is fulfilling, it is holy, it is an honor that I don't deserve but again, one I am thankful for. Again, please pray for me. That I can pause from my self-focus to see others...to answer the call when my Lord sends it out.
I have been the pontificator. I have been the theorizer too self-absorbed to be moved to action. My heart has been filled with self-pity. That is NOT what I want to offer to a holy God.
image taken from here.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your private thoughts I do understand and I will pray for you.

God does have a mission especially for you. Don't question what it is, just be open. It will find you. Tears will come to your eyes and you will know completely in your spirit that you are in the right place at the right time conducting an annointed mission. Self assurance will prevail when you have come to the place where the Lord has lead you. Believe it.

The one thing that I do know is that where there is God there is peace, love and provision for the thing you have been called to do. Yes, of course there are hard moments. But I believe that God gives us exactly what we need at the appointed time in the adequate amount to continue his good works in a barren land.

Be encouraged and know that people are praying for you.

Jada's Gigi said...

I'll be praying

Live, Love, Laugh said...

The feelings you have are quite normal. I have had to care for my mother also and she was not happy no matter what we did, she would call my other siblings to come get her all the time. Finally she told us she wanted to be in her own home, she is now and we have twenty four hour a day care givers. Still I feel guilty that we are not taking care of her. She is always making us feel guilty too however we know we are doing everything we can to keep her out of a nursing home. Have you checked with Social Security, they will pay to have someone help you with her care. You will definately be in my prayers, it can be very exhausting physically and emotionally to be a caregiver.

Margie said...

YOu ARE in my prayers...

I always think of you as such a part in God's plan. I remember how you gave so I could worship, I remember how you helped Robert with pop cans and shoes. I remember how you pray for me and others

I love you and i love your honesty.

You are a blessing!

Tom Harry said...

Thank you for your prayers. I am praying for you, too. ^_^