THE EXPERIMENT-WHAT IF?

Leading Up to Day One: Last Tuesday, Rachel and I started our day by visiting Harvest Loves, the brand new, not even opened yet, food ministry at our church, Harvest Bible Chapel. On our ride home, we were talking about the difficulties of food ministry and how necessary they are to the people who depend on them. I shared with her some of the hard times her dad and I experienced early in our marriage-trying to pay a mortgage, my college tuition, and meet our day to day needs. At one point, her dad was laid off. When I would grocery shop, I often had to make the decision whether to buy shampoo or a loaf of bread.

Last year, when our church had a food drive, we took our grocery money and bought food for the drive instead of for ourselves. It felt good. And the truth is we had plenty of food in the freezer and cupboards to stretch over the next week. While we talked about that, the seed of THE EXPERIMENT was planted. WHAT IF we had to eat on only a few dollars a day? How tough would that be? Could we even do it? What would you eat? What could you afford? Where could you shop? WHAT IF we tried this and then gave the rest of the money we would have normally spent on a week’s worth of groceries to Harvest Loves?

Later that night we joined our friends to meet with the pastor from Blessed Hope Church. Since our mission trip, we have all felt that God has something “next” for us to do together. Talking to Pastor Gary was part of our exploration, looking for God’s direction. Blessed Hope is a church, a food kitchen, food pantry, and so much more! Pastor Gary shared with us the changes that he’s seen in this economy. He is seeing more people, especially more families with children, needing a meal and groceries. We listened to the stories and met some of the people.

This second visit solidified it for us. We would try THE EXPERIMENT. We would start on Saturday, August 29th and eat on only $2.00/day per person. That meant we had $28.00 to spend between us for the week. And, we couldn’t use any groceries, condiments, etc. that we already had at home.

The Night Before: The rest of the week we talked, and sometimes argued about where we would shop. I wanted to make sure we got some fresh produce for the week. Rachel didn’t think we would be able to afford it. We agreed to shop at the Dollar Store and if there was any money left, we could buy some produce.

After a busy day, I picked Rachel up so we could shop. We had to work really hard to try to come up with 3 meals a day and not go over budget. We put stuff in our cart and then later, had to put it back on the shelf. I wanted to go for frozen veggies since I don’t like canned. In the end, we opted for canned fruit over ANY veggies. I wondered what the people around us were thinking as we discussed whether we could get enough meals out of the boxed cereal or the breakfast fruit bars.

In the end, we purchased:
2 boxes of pancake mix (can be made with water & meant we didn’t have to buy milk)
14 chinese noodle meals
1 box of spaghetti
1 can of spaghetti sauce
2 packages of hot dogs
2 packages of hot dog buns
1 can of mixed fruit
2 four-paks of apple sauce

When we went to check out, I had forgotten that food items are not taxed. So we ended up with an extra $3.oo It was a blessing and we decided to purchase a pack of gum each. It also hit me-I didn’t plan on caffeine for the week.

WHAT IF you had to do this week after week? WHAT IF you had kids in school and needed to make sure they had a healthy diet? WHAT IF you had an extra $3.00 at the end of your grocery shopping and felt like you just won the lottery?

Day One: Our first day is behind us. We discovered that the boxes of pancake mix will produce 2 ¼ pancakes a person for our breakfasts. Not very tasty but filling. Sure wish we had bought some jam or peanut butter to put on them! I tried not to let batter drip down the side of the mixing bowl. I estimated that we lost about a ¼ pancake. Normally, I wouldn’t have paid any attention, but with having so little to work with, I didn’t want to waste anything. I flashed back to when we were in Guatemala. We threw an ice cream social for the kids at one orphanage. I went to serve a group of girls and one of the cartons of ice cream was totally melted…chocolate soup. I was going to throw it away until one of our interpreters stopped me. She was shocked that I would waste it and made sure I finished serving that gallon before I opened another. At home, that would have been garbage. I wouldn’t have thought twice about dumping it. Now, for the first time, I realized how important every drop can be when you don’t have a lot to start with.

We ran a bunch of errands later in the day, one of them taking us to Gordon Food Service. As we walked in, a woman asked us if we wanted samples. Did we? We were served a small piece of pretzel bread with a chicken cheese dip and a small bit of BBQ chips. Nice surprise! It felt like a whole meal! We decided to skip our day’s half cup of canned fruit since we had this extra blessing and save it for another day when we might be struggling.

WHAT IF we had to do this for longer than a week? WHAT IF this was our life? WHAT IF I was less wasteful with food, with spending, with my time? WHAT IF I gave that extra away?

Day Two: I ended up driving Rachel to work before I left for Kalamazoo to attend Jeremiah’s baptism. On the way, I asked Rachel if she would go to the family night at church with me. And then I realized…yikes, each family is supposed to bring some BBQ meat and a side dish to pass. I told Rachel that I know church is the one place I should be able to go and not worry about bringing something, but I don’t know the people there too well yet and I would be embarrassed to show up empty handed and then fill our plates. We did have to laugh when I suggested it would be pretty hysterical if we showed up with anything from this week’s food stock. “Pancake, anyone?!!”

I told Rachel that the Cook’s church was going to serve a light lunch at the baptism. I asked her to guess what they were serving. Hot dogs? Yep! Going through the line, I picked a bag of Doritos because I know Rachel likes them and I wanted to surprise her with a treat. Vicki was deciding whether or not to get anything to eat, so I asked if I could have her bag of chips. Both Vicki and Darryl gave me their chips. Earlier, when I stopped by Rob’s office, he had bowls of candy and snacks on his end tables. I asked if I could help myself and of course, he said yes. I picked out 2 small packages of trail mix to bring to Rachel. Rachel’s boss ended up giving her some left over pizza. We each had a couple of pieces and still have some for tomorrow. Ok, so we now have a stash of pizza, trail mix, and chips!

Before we left this morning, our dog Sparky was not doing well at all. We had to carry him outside and then his legs kept buckling. When we brought him in, he drank some water but wouldn’t eat any of his food. I got one of the hot dogs to see if he would eat something. I wondered if I would have been so willing to give him part of my food ration for the day if I wasn’t going to be having a hot dog at church later?

We both went to bed a little hungry last night. Same tonight. Nothing unmanageable. We are drinking a lot of water trying to offset that.

WHAT IF we had to go to bed hungry every night, with no end in sight? WHAT IF we couldn’t afford to feed our dog? WHAT IF we had to avoid parties and get-togethers because we couldn’t afford to bring something or pay for a meal? WHAT IF I had to tell my child, eat something here because there’s nothing at home?

Day 3: Today was my first day at work since we started THE EXPERIMENT. Right off the bat, I announced to my co-workers that I would be grateful to anyone who bought me a diet coke this week and yes, I was shamelessly begging…lol. It wasn’t long before I found a nice cold bottle sitting on my desk! My announcement stirred a lot of discussion and guessing. We all had some fun with it. The cool thing is that I know they are people who would really help me out if I was in a bind or tough spot. I am blessed.

After work, Rachel and I sat down to our dinner of two hot dogs. While we talked through “dinner” we were surprised to discover that neither of us wanted to eat anything from the stash of goodies we picked up yesterday. We both were actually afraid that if we ate a bag of chips, then we wouldn’t have anything if we got really hungry one day. So, we agreed to hoard them. Funny that a few bags of chips and a couple packages of trail mix represented wealth to us in a way they never had before. We thought of a community center we had visited in Guatemala. We had a ton of left over candy and gave that out to the kids. They just pulled out their shirts to hold their loot. We wondered now, if they felt like we do today.

I am finding that I am more emotional than usual. Yesterday, I was thinking about all the moms around the world that have to watch their children go hungry, some to even die of starvation. How do you even bear something like that? I wept. But my tears must move me to action, yes? Otherwise, they are wasted.

WHAT IF it was my child crying herself to sleep from hunger? WHAT IF there was something I could do, was supposed to do, that could help even one child, one mom, one family? WHAT IF I cared enough to find out?

Day Four: We thought things might get hard by today, but we didn’t expect to feel as hungry as we do. Both Rachel and I thought our bodies would adjust. We just thought we would be sick of the menu. But we have been sooo hungry today.

Last night, I had so much trouble sleeping. Hunger kept me awake. And shadowed me all day. Found out Rachel had the same kind of day. We made our box of spaghetti tonight. I am so glad Rachel picked out the can of sauce with meat. We both feel like we just want some protein, even if it is a morsel.

I thought I would really have a struggle when I picked up Nick’s McDonald’s order at lunch today. I told Rachel that as hungry as I had been feeling all day, I thought it would be torture to drive the few blocks with the aroma of Micky Dee’s fries wafting through the air. Are you with me? What a blessing though. I was so busy thinking about some of the blessings God has brought me, that I didn’t even notice!

I should probably give some background to the hints I have left on Facebook so far. I posted our Experiment on Facebook to keep me accountable so it would be harder to cheat or quit. I am glad for the accountability. The hints:
#1) Some things are harder/some are easier: The harder part is trying to make our couple bucks stretch. The easier is….hardly any dishes!
#2) 10.7 million people, including half a million children: live in homes in the U.S. that experience hunger skipping meals, eating little, or going without food for a whole day.
#3) In the human condition, there are all types: All types of hunger. Humans hunger for peace, for love, for purpose, for belonging, for relationship with God. Physical hunger is probably the easiest to offset, so it makes me wonder why hunger is still a major issue worldwide.

WHAT IF I wasn’t so selfish? WHAT IF I can’t save the world, but I am supposed to help one child? One person? One family? WHAT IF I stop looking for them? WHAT IF I miss out on being a part of God’s story in the life of another? WHAT IF we don’t “get” whatever it is we can and should be learning through THE EXPERIMENT? WHAT IF we spend this week experiencing short-term hunger but don’t empathize with the pain of “the hungry”? WHAT IF all we end up with at the end of this week are a few sleepless nights and some growling stomachs?

Day 5,6,7: Just as I was about to start our journaling Day 5, I heard, “Mom! Sparky’s bleeding!” We ended up at the emergency vet until 1:30 or 2:00 a.m. The next day found us too exhausted to journal. So, here are the highlights from the next 3 days.

Since we had been so hungry on Day 4, I really expected Day 5 to be a struggle. ..a long, dreary day to try and muddle through. I sensed God saying to me, “You don’t trust Me, do you?” That caught me off guard. What did this EXPERIMENT have to do with trusting God? I mean, it was just a short term, one week experiment, right? I got to work and noticed a package in my mail slot. It was a bag of Jolly Ranchers with a note saying something about payment.The day before, I had done a favor for a driver and had jokingly told him that it was going to cost him. And this was his tongue in cheek payment. A whole bag of candy! Here was God surprising me when I didn’t expect it. I picked out one of each flavor for myself and for Rachel and then shared the rest of the bag with my co-workers. At lunch, someone put a Jimmy John’s sandwich on my desk. “I didn’t order that.” I didn’t hear what she said exactly but it was something about someone buying me a sandwich because of my social experiment. Another unexpected surprise! I saved half for Rachel and couldn’t believe how full that bit of protein made me feel. Rachel’s boss bought her a chicken wrap, so for dinner, we switched out sandwiches. Ah, protein! “Trust Me.” I knew that wasn’t about a Jolly Rancher or a sandwich, but about every part of my life.

On Day 6, we barely felt any hunger, we were so tired from our night at the vet’s. It was eat and early to bed.

Day 7. I came into work to, once again, find a diet coke waiting for me on my desk. My co-workers are the best!! After this week, we knew that today would be easy. Our last day, we would probably breeze through. We still had our stash of goodies, too.

I had a chance to talk with a Christian brother from South Africa early in the day. One of the things he noticed about Americans was our absence of God from the center of our lives. We have so much that we tend to rely on ourselves and don’t include God in the equation. Later in the evening, we were talking with our friends Danielle and Aaron. Aaron mentioned hearing about a Christian leader who commented that he was amazed how much we accomplish on our own, because we have left God out of the equation. That is really at the core of THE EXPERIMENT. Without God at the center, we just lived a week with very little food. Perhaps developed some empathy. But with God, this week will take on life and depth beyond our small efforts. I don’t know how that will play out, but I know who He is. He is the One who spoke and a world and its beings were created. He is the One who takes nothing and makes it into something breathtaking.

WHAT IF my life was to reflect my belief?

Day 8 The End….or is it the Beginning?
I asked Rachel for her observations from this week. We laughed when she said, “Canned food is very salty!” But then she recalled the time when she was helping pack food at Taylor Human Services’ food pantry and they were giving almond milk. She said that she remembered thinking that she would never drink almond milk. “But if you have no food, you take what you can get and eat it…even almond milk!”

We realize, now more than ever, that we have more than we thought we had, and need less than we thought we needed. And not just when it comes to food.

We have an increased awareness of the issues and experience surrounding hunger, as you would expect. I was surprised by the joy we found. Joy in sharing with each other from the meagerness we had. I can’t really explain it. But it wasn’t a joy derived from the things, but joy from walking this together, from rejoicing and celebrating in the blessings. From being joined in a common purpose.

One of the things I felt God speaking to me throughout this week was about giving Him the best of everything and every part of my life. Rachel and I talked about how when we have given to food drives in the past, we have given stuff like that can that has been left sitting in the cupboard for a year. Just grabbing whatever we didn’t really want or need. Now, we want to make sure we are including protein and some luxury items. The really good stuff, you know? And so it must be with what I give to God. Not just the leftovers, but the really good stuff.

Why? In John 12, we are told of the woman who came and poured expensive oil over Jesus’ feet and wiped them with her hair. Was this a shocking emotional display and waste of resources? Jesus response could seem even more shocking because He sat there and received it. RECEIVED IT! He is recorded as saying, “Leave her alone….the poor you always have with you, but you do not always have me.” (John 12: 8) His reference to the poor at the seeming waste of this expensive oil is very telling. Throughout the gospels, we see example after example of Jesus being moved with compassion…the feeding of a crowd of people who came to hear him, raising a woman’s dead child because he was her only son, healings, reaching out to the ones who were the last people who deserved his attention, and the list could go on. So it wasn’t that he didn’t care about the poor. But He knew what she got (as evidenced by her actions) and I often don’t get. He is WORTHY!

I have all kinds of these alabaster jars filled with the best of what I have…possessions, money, time, energy, passion, talent, rights….that I have been hoarding , telling myself that I will break them open and offer them at a future date. My motivations have sometimes been fear, sometimes selfishness, sometimes apathy, sometimes greed. God is telling me to break them open and pour them out at His feet. Now is the time. NOW is ALWAYS the time. Not because I might receive a blessing, or joy, or purpose, or satisfaction. But because He is WORTHY of it all, of every drop of every hoarded jar.

Last January, I sat in a restaurant with my Christian sisters, as one posed a WHAT IF? question to the rest of us. That resulted in the 6 of us (who are still amazed that God provided the finances) holding Guatemalan orphans in our arms and hearts in July. And a month later, sitting in a pastor’s office, a man we had never met, asking more WHAT IF? questions. One of the things he said to us was, “Start by just doing SOMETHING.” which confirmed to Rachel and I to live out THE EXPERIMENT that sprang from a WHAT IF? question we had asked each other early that morning. It’s the domino effect, one WHAT IF? leads to another, and then to another, and on.

I don’t know if the Holy Spirit is placing WHAT IF? questions in your heart, but our advice, dear friend….. is BREAK THE JAR!!!!!

MOTIONS

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.” Isaiah 6:8

WHERE I AM

In Mark Chapter 4, Jesus is at this lake and begins to teach. The crowd grew so big, that Jesus got into a boat so that the people could sit on the shore and everyone would be able to hear. He told them stories, illustrating the mysteries and truths of God's Kingdom.
.
Now you should know that in the days preceding this, Jesus had healed people and touched lives in such a way that you could be pretty certain he wasn't your "average Joe".
.
Anyhow, at the end of the day, Jesus says to the guys on the boat with him, "Hey, pull up anchor and let's go over to the other side of the lake." So the guys on his boat, and a few other boats that were with them, set out to do that very thing.
.
On the way, a storm blows in. Not just any storm, but a "furious storm" of hurricane proportions. And the waves are crashing against the boat and filling the boat with water. I have been sailing on Lake Erie in gale force winds...well, not actually on the Lake, but in a channel off the Lake, and let me tell you....wow, that was some ride. It was pretty intense despite the shelter of the channel. Can you imagine how things must have been for the boat Jesus was in? Wind and waves and water. The crew must have been scurrying, orders being called out, water being bailed...fear and panic and chaos.
.
And where was Jesus during all this? Asleep on a leather cushion in the back of the boat. Oh man, imagine how those guys must have felt. Jesus really?! This was YOUR idea to head for the other shore, now we are all going to die and you are what? Sleeping? The words they said to him when they woke him up said it all. "Master, don't you care that we're perishing?" I can hear the accusation echoing over and over. "Don't you CARE?"
.
Jesus gets up and reprimands the sea. Did you get that? He REPRIMANDS the sea much like one might reprimand and impudent child. Jesus tells the sea to hush and settle down. AND IT DOES! The sea immediately settles down, exhausted and perfectly calm.
.
Ok, I don't know what that crew was expecting when they woke Jesus up, but it sure wasn't that. Their eyes must have been like saucers, and it is recorded that they were totally in awe but also filled with fear. I can see them, voices lowered, asking each other, "Holy cow, who IS this guy? Did this just really happen?" Oh, how about the poor guy that woke Jesus up? In my imagination, he was trying to remember if he might have shook Jesus just a little too hard. "Uh, Jesus, about that bruise I gave you when I woke you up. I'm really sorry man. Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee? Another cushion to rest on? Sorry I flung the other one overboard...I wasn't really mad I was just a bit scared there...not really myself."
.
Remember what they had all seen and experienced in the days before this one? Jesus said to them, "Why are you afraid of me now and why didn't you trust me?"
.
For the past weeks, I have been bailing water from my boat. My mom is getting worse, bills are piling up, I could lose my house, I am not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, my options are few, even the dog is having health problems....bailing, bailing, bailing, bailing. I am being swallowed up in fear and panic and chaos.
.
And there it is. Once again, that accusation from long ago. "You are Sovereign. You have chosen this rocky path for my life. Why aren't You rescuing me? Don't You care? Don't You CARE?"
.
Jesus reminds me of the many ways He has proven Himself and His love to me. Events, people, His Spirit, His Word, His life, His death.....healing, rescue, healing, rescue...again and again.
.
"Daughter, why the fear? Why aren't you trusting me?"
.
"I don't know, Jesus. I don't know."
.
"Hush. Let there be peace."
.
And there is. And it is immediate.
.
.

CAN MAN LIVE WITHOUT GOD?

I was up on and off all night, my mind just swarming with thoughts. I started reading this book by Ravi Zacharias. It is based on lectures he gave at Harvard and Ohio State. I am just a few pages into the book, but when I put it down last night I tried to imagine what this world would be like without God.

My first thought was...how would I feel if I lost God? I thought about the many years I spent childless, wanting a child. Now that I actually know my daughter, I cannot imagine life without her. When I transposed those thoughts into what it would be like to have known God and then to lose Him, my first thought was....GRIEF.

All night long, I kept thinking of aspects of a life without God. How would my personal life be different? What would it be like to live in a world that was not created by God? Would it be as beautiful? Would the sun still warm us? Would colors be vibrant?

What would it be like to interact with other humans without a moral code? I am not talking about a list of do's or don'ts...but a universal moral code? What would commerce be like? What would I place my hope in? What would drive me?

I remember having a sort of spiritual awareness even as a young child. I was raised with religion, so it was not a thing unfamiliar. But the first memory I had of something personal between me and God was as a young child. I said something to the girl next door about Noah's Ark. She had never heard of Noah's Ark. I was surprised and I began to tell her about Noah and God and the animals. I told her story after story. And while I was talking...I felt something. I didn't know what it was but it was deep within the very center of me. An awakening, or stirring, or knowledge...a definate feeling. As an adult, I believe that was the Holy Spirit. Maybe a prompt, or a nod, or a smile. I don't know which. But it was very real, sort of like the butterflies or warm feeling you get when you look at someone you love.

As the night progressed, I came to realize that I think most people are not athiests. To be an athiest, one must strongly deny the existance of God, of a spirituality even outside of Christendom. I think the majority of people espouse the existance of God, but live without Him. I think this realization surprised me. I don't know. Perhaps I never pondered it quite fully before.

You know what surprised me even more? Me! As much as I think I am a Christ follower, I was confronted with how much of my life I live without God! I am wondering how my life will look different when I live more with God than without Him?!

FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Sunday I was going through mail and I came across two letters that I had set aside to make a decision on. The letters were identical, except one was addressed to me and one addressed to my ex-husband. They were from an insurance company. I had opened mine and it was a letter saying they had refund money on a policy from 2003 and if I didn't respond, that money would go into the governments "unclaimed money" account or wherever it is they keep it.

I had put the letters aside because I needed time to think. The last time I had been insured by that company was when I was married. At some point, I learned that my ex had canceled the insurance on my vehicle without me knowledge, even though he was supposed to be to paying all bills. I don't remember the details, I just remember that this particular company refused to insure me despite my clean driving record, and refused to given me any additional information because the policy had been originally taken out by my ex. I was still legally his wife, but that didn't matter. I also remember scrambling to find insurance on a Saturday. I don't remember how many calls I made, but I finally found an office that was open. I am still with that insurer, out of loyalty, because he kept his office open on Saturday and was there in my moment of crisis.

My ex was just like that. I could tell you story after story. He is still like that. I ask him for very little help with my daughter because he usually says no. The latest was regarding her health insurance. I emailed him and asked him to keep her policy current until I could make other arrangements. I said that I would reimburse him for it. He responded by saying that she (our daughter) was young and healthy and there were more important things like school, and vehicle repairs to spend money on. He added that if she was injured in a car accident, her car insurance would cover any medical bills. And, if I insisted on getting her health insurance, I could feel free to contact the carrier directly, their information was on her card. And I am not making this up. This is almost verbatim.

Enough about him, back to me. I needed to think about those two letters because I figured I had several options. 1)I could forward his letter to him so he could claim the money. 2) I could claim the money myself and he would never be the wiser. 3) I could tear up my letter and throw his away, or better yet, return it to the sender. We have been divorced for over 5 years and I am certainly not responsible for him getting this letter. In fact, I don't believe he deserves that money. And if I claimed it, I could give that money to my daughter or apply it toward her dental or eye appointment...or any other number of things that she needs...not wants...but needs. You can probably imagine where my thought process went.

So there I was on Sunday night. I decided to make a decision. I decided that I would claim the money and somehow use it for my daughter. I filled out my name on the form. I signed it. Right below my signature I had to fill in another blank indicating why I had the right to this money. Was I the owner? The spouse? At first, I decided to leave that blank. After all, there was a date four months after my divorce was final. I didn't know what that date indicated...the date they stopped trying to refund the money? The date the policy was cancelled? I couldn't say owner because I didn't know which vehicle this policy/refund was for...his or mine. I couldn't say spouse because I would have been divorced by that month. I contemplated saying ex-spouse but then I figured I wouldn't get the refund for sure.

I finally decided that I would fill that blank in as "Owner". I wrote the words, sealed the enveloped and put it in a pile of other letters and bills to be mailed, satisfied that I would be getting some unexpected money in a few weeks.

And then I thought of that date...four months after my marriage was decreed invalid and I was no longer legally entitled to anything owned by my ex-husband. I picked up my envelope, crying out of anger and frustration and resentment and need and a myriad of other emotions. I ripped it in half...again and again...until there were only small shreds of paper left.

And I picked up his envelope...the one that I knew would give him an unexpected blessing and I wrote a note on the back explaining that I had received the exact same letter but that I thought this belonged to him. His name was the only salutation. The initial of my first name was the only closing regard. And I folded his envelope and put it into another. Writing his address clearly and placing two stamps on it to make sure there would be no insufficient postage problems. And I placed it in the pile of letters and bills that I would drop at the post office the next morning.

And I did this for one reason. Not because my ex is most likely entitled to this money and I am not. Not because I love my ex, because I do not. Not because I am a good, honest person, although I try to be. Not because of karma. Not because I expect to be rewarded for doing the right thing. Not because I am a Christian. Not because I thought it might be sin. Not because I am afraid God wouldn't forgive me. Not because I am strong enough to resist temptation, I often fail.

I almost took a bite of that forbidden fruit. I could taste it. I wanted it. The only reason I didn't was because I love God...I really do love Him. I love Him more than I want that money. More than I want revenge or justice. And when I thought of Him, my hand reached out and put the fruit back on the tree.

Image taken from here.

THE SOLOIST

I was at a gathering a couple weeks back and the topic of conversation turned to mental illness. The young man I was conversing with asked if I had ever read "The Soloist" by Steve Lopez. I hadn't but the conversation was intriguing. My daughter and I happened to visit a our friend's bookstore right after that conversation and she spotted the book. I picked it up and started to read it while she browsed other shelves. I could not put it down.

.

You will read about the power of music and the power of friendship in this book. It made me want to do a better job being a friend and a better job of making myself and my resources available to others.

.

I highly recommend this book. If you want to know more, you can read about it here, the same place I got the image from.

CONFESSION

Sooooooo....I mentioned my co-worker, Jill in my last post. And how she was touching the lives of others. I was telling my daughter about her. And I said, "Man, I want to be a part of God's story like that." Several weeks ago, I shared with a group of friends that I felt like I didn't want "it to be over" when it came to ministry and ministering. That I have this deep longing to be doing something but I just don't see or know what that is. In the past I very much felt God's focus and direction and call.

And yesterday I was mulling this all over. And two things God said to me:

1. He has placed me in a position to serve. But it is one I don't like. That of taking care of my mother. Our roles basically reversed when I was around 12 years old. I became the caretaker. She was broken in spirit by her divorce. And later, broken in body and resigned to a wheelchair. I take care of her most private of personal needs. I have been doing this for so long and I frequently resent it. Oh, sometimes I see the picture clearly. I see all this as an answer to her prayers. I see it as a way to minster in a Mother Theresa-esque way. Caring for the sick. But honestly, most of the time I see it as a burden and I dream of the days I can escape. And I often minster in the most joyless manner. I am not telling this so you can feel sorry for me. I am asking for your prayers so I can be strong in what I have been called to and strong enough to repent of the resentment and bitterness that I give way to. Really, I don't want advice....I just need your prayers.

2. He has put opportunities in my path...but I have stopped watching for them...missing them completely. And He brought opportunity after opportunity to my mind. Ahhh, how could I have walked right by that one? This one, it didn't even register. Yesterday I was determined to be very deliberate about watching. And there they came, opportunities that I could act on. Not for a pat on the back. Not to be busy. But how can I explain....just to be a part of Jesus and His work on this earth...it is fulfilling, it is holy, it is an honor that I don't deserve but again, one I am thankful for. Again, please pray for me. That I can pause from my self-focus to see others...to answer the call when my Lord sends it out.

I have been the pontificator. I have been the theorizer too self-absorbed to be moved to action. My heart has been filled with self-pity. That is NOT what I want to offer to a holy God.

image taken from here.

BROKEN HEARTS

This morning I asked 7-11 Sam how her kids enjoyed their camping trip with their dad. Their dad never came and picked them up. He was on the phone with his son an hour before he was scheduled to arrive and assured his son he was on his way. This sweet little boy sat on the curb waiting for his dad all afternoon. This dad never showed.

This afternoon, my daughter went to lunch with her grandmother, my ex-husband's mother. She texted me to tell me that she just found out that her dad recently went to France. (His new wife's daughter and grandchild live in France.) I haven't talked to her yet, but I know my daughter is devastated. Her dad never calls her. He left the freakin' country and never told her. He visited a country that she dreams of visiting and never told her.

I am out in dispatch and trying to hold back the tears. I switch between finding it hard to breathe and wanting to throw up...I am so so soooo angry. Because he does this over and over. And I have to stand here and watch it happen. I can't protect her from this.

I know she has me and I am a great mom. I know that God is going to use this for good in her life and make something wonderful out of it. I know that she will survive. I know that when I see her in a little while, I will love her and point her back to Jesus. And she will continue to love and forgive her dad.

But for right now...I want to fight. I want to take him down. I want to make him a better dad. I want to hold him accountable for every tear he has made her cry.

Image taken from here.